the albion sails on

open all the boxes open all the boxes open -all- the boxes

Sat, 22 Sep 2007 21:00:33 GMT

one of those fucking awful black days when nothing is pleasing and everything that happens is an excuse for anger an outlet for emotions stockpiled, an arsenal, an armour these are the days when I hate the world, hate the rich, hate the happy, hate the complacent, the tv watchers, beer drinkers, the satisfied ones because I know I can be all of those little hateful things and then I hate myself for realising that there's no preventative, directive or safe approach for living we each know our own fate we know from our youth how to be treated, how we'll be received, how we shall end these things don't change you can change your clothes, change your hairstyle, your friends, cities, continents but sooner or later your own self will always catch up always it waits in the wings ideas swirl but don't stick they appear but then run off like rain on the windshield one of those rainy day car rides my head implodes, the atmosphere in this car a mirror of my skull wet, damp, windows dripping and misted with cold, walls of grey, nothing good on the radio not a thought in my head

lets take life and slow it down incredibly slow, frame by frame with two minutes that take ten years to live out yeah, lets do that

telephone poles like praying mantis against the sky, metal arms outstretched so much land travelled so little sense made of it it doesn't mean a thing all this land laid out behind us I'd like to take off into these woods and get good and lost for a while I'm disgusted with petty concerns; parking tickets, breakfast specials does someone just have to carry this weight? abstract typography, methane inconvenience, linear gospel, Nashville sales lady, and torturous lice, mad Elizabeth, Chemotherapy bullshit

I've seen your hallway, you're a dark hallaway, I've heard your stairs creak I can fix my mind on your yes, and on your no I'll film your face today in the sparkling canals, all red, yellow, blue, green brilliance and silver Dutch reflection racing thoughts, racing thoughts, all too real, you're moving so fast now I cant hold your image this image I have of your face by the window, me standing beside you arm on your shoulder a catalogue of images, flashing glimpses then gone again

I'm tethered to this post you stuck in me, every clear afternoon now I'll picture you up in the air twisting your heel, your knees up around me, my face in your hair you scream so well, your smile so loud it still rings in my ears, imitation distant, tired of longing, clean white teeth, stay the course hold the wheel steer on to freedom

open all the boxes open all the boxes open all the boxes open, all, the boxes

times square midday: newspaper buildings, news headlines going around, you watch as they go, and hope that some good comes those tree shadows in the park they're all whistling chasing leaves around six pm, shadows across cobblestones, girl in front of a bathroom mirror she slow and careful paints her face green and mask like matisse portrait a green stripe long shot through apartment window, a monologue on top but no girl in shot the light within you shines like a diamond mine like an unarmed walrus like a dead man face down on the highway like a snake eating its own tail steam turbine, frog farm, two full closets burst open in disarray, soap bubbles in the sun, hospital death bed, red convertible, shopping list, blowjob, deaths head, devils dancing, bleached white buildings, memories, movements the movie unreeling, about to begin...

Tue, 20 Mar 2007 04:21:25 GMT

Is it the right word
you designed for me?
Is it the broken word
or good advice I need?
Is it the tapestry
set beneath my wings?
Is it the majesty...

New music?

Sun, 04 Jun 2006 20:33:55 GMT

"Get down on all fours, open your back door
Don't it feel so goood with a lady and a duuude
Boy get in the center, she'll take off your sweatah
I'll take down your panties, dress you all in leathah!

I had a fantasy since I was nine
'Bout blowin' loads in a butt while loads are blown in mine
Don't blame me for bein' sick for dick
Sometimes it's titties that I wanna lick!
I'm such a slut I've tried everything
I've choked down six dicks while eatin' Burger King
That ain't shit compared to what I've done
Once jacked off in a hot dog bun
So I got a idea, little boys listen here
Me and Hunx on you like cheese on a quesadilla
We're almost late for a 12:30 luncheon
It's your ass that we'll be munchin'
Kidnap your ass like you're Patty Hearst
Damn my dick is about to burst
Boy I know that your homework is due
But me and Chunx hella wanna screw!!
Pass the lube, the lettuce and the sour cream
It's time for a DOUBLE DECKER SUPREME!!!!"

- "Double Decker Supreme"

Yes. This is for real - Gravy Train!!! is an actual band. I can't stop laughing; "Double Decker Supreme" and "You Made Me Gay" are my favorites. And I'd like to argue that Gravy Train!!!! is more of an experience than it is music.

"It's already 3:30."

Fri, 26 May 2006 19:37:41 GMT

Oh the glory that the lord has made
And the complications you could do without
When I kissed you on the mouth

We lift our hands and pray over your body
But nothing ever happens...

I remember at Michael's house
In the living room when you kissed my neck...

Oh the glory when you ran outside
With your shirt tucked in and your shoes untied
And you told me not to follow you

On the floor at the great divide
With my shirt tucked in and my shoes untied
I am crying in the bathroom

In the morning when you finally go
And the nurse runs in with her head hung low...

Oh the glory that the lord has made
And the complications when I see His face
In the morning in the window

Oh the glory when He took our place
But He took my shoulders and He shook my face
And He takes and He takes and He takes...

-Sufjan Stevens

I can't leave you.

Wed, 10 May 2006 00:04:08 GMT

and if you never stop when you wave goodbye
you just might find if you give it time
you will wave hello again
you just might wave hello again
and that's the way this wheel keeps working now

and I won't be the last
no, I won't be the last
to love you

My last production for Theatre on the James.

Wed, 26 Apr 2006 03:45:08 GMT

GUYS & DOLLS
April 27th, 28th, & 29th
7:30pm @ James River High
Students $6, Adults $10

As it will be forever.

Sat, 15 Apr 2006 02:35:00 GMT

Rescue my soul from the sword,
my life from the grip of these dogs.
Save my life from the jaws of these lions,
my poor soul from the horns of these oxen.
I will tell of your name to my brethren
and praise you where they are assembled.

Spring Break and New York City.

Mon, 10 Apr 2006 19:49:39 GMT

Like I mentioned before, NYU Tisch was amazing. So let me expand on that:
Friday night was perfect because it was warm all night. NYU gave Starbucks cards to all the Tisch Scholars so we could go "bond" (or whatever) that night. So we all met up at the Astor Place Starbucks and I got to meet a lot of fun people. Then we "pushed the block" in the Village and walked around St Marks and Bleecker Street, which are really exciting at night. My host for that night was "Junior Miss Tennessee" so she was popular and knew everyone, which really worked out well because then I got to meet everyone. I also met Mara Wilson (the girl from Matilda); she's a freshmen at Tisch this year. There's someone famous in my class this year too, but we're not supposed to tell anyone who it is yet... :X or something. But he's in film, so if I go I'll have class with him! Then we drew chalk things all over Washington Square. It rained Saturday, but we were inside so it was alright.

Yeah I want to go to NYU Tisch (more than Harvard), but damn that price tag. I'm appealing to financial aid, because I don't even qualify for the PLUS loans they want me to take out. It's outrageous. Hopefully I'll have a decision soon.

Oh yeah, I also saw Mr. Held's play at the Women's Club on Thursday night before I left for NYU. That was a whooole lot of fun. I love to see him act! He is probably the best actor ever. Yeah.

Tomorrow I'm leaving to go to New York City again, this time with the James River theatre department. I'll be back Friday night!

New York City.

Sun, 09 Apr 2006 18:23:12 GMT

NYU Tisch is pretty much the best place ever.
New York City: Part Deux starts Tuesday.

HARVARD!

Fri, 31 Mar 2006 00:37:16 GMT

I GOT ACCEPTED TO HARVARD UNIVERSITY!!!

But waitlisted at UPenn and Columbia - like, who do they think they are?

NYU Tisch Scholars! + Boston University.

Mon, 27 Mar 2006 23:05:58 GMT

This is absolutely amazing...
I got selected to be in the Tisch University Scholars Program!

And since you probably don't know what that is:
Only 15-18 people are picked per class for this - that's 15-18 students out of EVERYONE in the Tisch Class of 2010, with only about 3-5 being film majors.
It's a "leadership training program" with an emphasis on issues in the arts, culture, and social change. While in the program, we have to maintain a 3.5 GPA, do community service, and hold leadership roles in student activities. We do things like go to special events, participate in workshops, listen to guest speakers, take a freshmen trip to Appalshop (in Appalachia, Kentucky), and go on an international trip either sophomore or junior year (past trips have included Vietnam, Brazil, Ghana, and more). All expenses paid for.
This tops everything - every program, every school - that I applied to.

So, in addition to "Saturday at the Square" April 8th, I get to go to a Tisch Scholars meeting and dorm in NYU with a current scholar for Friday night (April 7th), and then go to another reception on Saturday.

AND I got accepted to Boston University for film with $37,000 IN GRANTS. For a total financial aid package of $44,000 which covers all costs.

:) I'm very happy.

This is my (crazy) schedule:

Fri, 24 Mar 2006 00:07:53 GMT

MARCH:
[27th] AP Euro: Unit 10 Test
[27th] Boston University - Decision Announced
[30th] Harvard, Columbia, Penn - Decisions Announced
[31st] Stanford - Decision Announced

APRIL:
[3rd] AP Euro: Unit 11 Lesson 2 due
[6th] AP Euro: Unit 11 Test
[7th-8th] NYU Tisch: Saturday at the Square & Tisch Scholars Events
[10th] AP Euro: Review Lesson 1 due
[11th-14th] *NEW YORK CITY THEATRE TRIP*
[19th] AP Euro: Proctored AP Multiple Choice Practice Test
[21st] AP Euro: Review Lesson 2 due
[22nd] PROM 2006
[25th-29th] GUYS & DOLLS
[27th] AP Euro: Proctored AP DBQ/FRQ Practice Test
[28th] AP Euro: Review Lesson 3 due

MAY:
[3rd] AP Euro: Virtual Classroom
[3rd] CALCULUS BC - AP EXAM
[4th] ENGLISH LITERATURE - AP EXAM
[5th] EUROPEAN HISTORY - AP EXAM
[10th] CHEMISTRY - AP EXAM
[7th-14th] Sound tech for Jessica Morgan Dance

It's about to start, here I go...

I can't believe this.

Sat, 18 Mar 2006 18:45:00 GMT

I GOT INTO NYU TISCH!
I even got a special invite to "Saturday at the Square" so I really hope I get a scholarship! It's April 8th at NYU.
This is the best thing to happen to me in a long, long time.

New icon.

Thu, 16 Mar 2006 17:34:56 GMT

ONLY IN KENYA!

I didn't go to class today because I don't care!
AND there is no rehearsal.
Tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day!

The bluest light.

Thu, 16 Mar 2006 01:14:36 GMT

My entire paper for history got deleted in a "system error."
I have a problem with caffiene.
Stress is making my obsessive-compulsive behavior flair - I'm organizing everything, double-checking everything, and going through my room & getting rid of all my old clothes.
"Today has sucked."

Also, I don't hate you.
Never have. Never will.
(I just hate everyone else.)

Don't mean anything.

Tue, 14 Mar 2006 21:43:23 GMT

I should go to sleep early. But something tells me that 10:47pm will roll around, and I will be awake, watching MTV's 8th & Ocean, and not reading Crime & Punishment. Tomorrow will likely be spent dreaming of a life that doesn't so closely resemble hell.
Always love the one who hurt you.
and on your hand
there's a ring...
that don't mean anything
Always love the one you hurt.

What can you lose.

Sat, 11 Mar 2006 17:25:02 GMT

...so she closes the door
well, if she does,
those are the dues
once the words are spoken,
something may be broken...

leave it alone, hold it all in
better a bone, don't even begin
with so much to win,
there's too much to lose...

For The Widows In Paradise, For The Fatherless In Ypsilanti - Reprise.

Thu, 09 Mar 2006 23:18:42 GMT

I was dressed in embarrassment
I was dressed in wine
if you had a part of me
will you take your time

even if I come back,
even if I die
is there some idea
to replace my life?

like a father to impress
like a mother's mourning dress
I'll do anything for you

I'll do anything for you
I'll do anything for you...

I did everything for you

Here I stand.

Tue, 07 Mar 2006 22:54:49 GMT

Blind man at a canyon's edge
of a panoramic scene
or maybe I'm a kite that's flying high and random
dangling a string
or slumped over in a vacant room
head on a stranger's knee
I'm sure back home they think I've lost my mind

For The Widows In Paradise, For The Fatherless In Ypsilanti.

Fri, 03 Mar 2006 21:16:34 GMT

I have called you children
I have called you son
What is there to answer if I'm the only one?
Mourning comes in Paradise
Mourning comes in light
Still I must obey, still I must invite

If there's anything to say
If there's anything to do
If there's any other way
I'll do anything for you

I have called you preacher
I have called you son
If you have a father
or if you haven't one,

I'll do anything for you
I'll do anything for you...

There is no alternative.

Thu, 02 Mar 2006 23:15:12 GMT

For the time being I have to work with you.
Well I will, and I'll do it with a fucking smile.

In addition to johari: http://kevan.org/johari?name=nataliesc
I now have nohari: http://kevan.org/nohari?name=nataliesc
Do both.

Brilliant.

Mon, 27 Feb 2006 23:19:02 GMT

Thou hast committed—
Fornication: but that was in another country,
And besides, the wench is dead.
The Jew of Malta.

To see in all directions at the same time.

Sun, 26 Feb 2006 18:21:55 GMT

sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
and there is comfort in the sound
but while you debate half-empty or half-full
it slowly rises,
your love is gonna drown

Here we are again.

Fri, 24 Feb 2006 21:54:05 GMT

So, this alum from Harvard called last night, and I went over to his (expensive) house this afternoon for an interview. Talk about short notice! But it went really well; I didn't think I was going to get an interview because it's so late.

In other news, USC is playing a cruel joke on me. I have gotten FOUR letters, in succession, telling me that I was rejected from scholarship consideration. What sick person keeps sending me these. Also, the same day I received my fourth letter I officially (since I'm 18) got my first payment from Social Security... With all this, I can't help but think - am I going to be broke forever? Possibly. Oh well.

This is mesmerizing.

Wed, 22 Feb 2006 01:21:01 GMT

Okay, back to that teacher's myspace that I found (2 entries ago)...

We have some of the same friends on our buddylists (which are relatively short, by the way).

This is both awkward and fun.

PS: Penn interview went well, lasted about an hour.